I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
