Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
