Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
