Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
