Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
