I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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