She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
