i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
