I wish I could teleport
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
