marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
