How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
