He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
