At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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