I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Life is so much better after having sex.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
