I can text with my tongue
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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