so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
