She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
