my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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