So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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