last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
