It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
