You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
