My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
