I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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