i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
