If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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