explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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