i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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