I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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