Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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