And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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