In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
