First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
