I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
