I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
