Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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