I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
ugly people sure do ruin things
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
