shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
