I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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