Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
should my penis look like a turkey
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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