you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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