the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
