Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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