New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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