My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
