Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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