I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
