Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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