I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
