Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
