he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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