This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
