HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you will always have a special place in my vag
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
