"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
