is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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