I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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