i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize