A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
