Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
