Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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