Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize