Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
