I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
